To: Sasuke
by Infamousplot
Summary: In which Suigetsu attempts to untangle the mess that is his mind, and make sense of the many strange things he is willing to do for Uchiha Sasuke. Onesided Suigetsu/Sasuke, pairing/character analysis of sorts.


**I am pretty sure I have had this for almost a year. I wrote out the rough rough draft sometimes last summer vacation, I think? And then over the year I have been sporadically inspired to add more, flesh it out. Tonight, I looked back at it, saw I just had _one spot_ where I needed to add something to tie everything else to the ending, so I sucked it up and wrote it out. **

**Honestly, I was five hundred times happier with this before the whole thing with Sasuke bringing back Orochi happened. But, c'est la vie. I'll survive. **

**Warning: I have never written for Suigetsu in my life. I love him to death, I'm not entirely happy with the direction they're taking his character in though, and I think this is more based off of my interpretation of him when I first saw him in the anime. Oh well, I guess you guys will be the judge. Enjoy~**

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X

Hey Sasuke, can I tell you something?

I think I might sort of be falling in love with you. A little. Maybe. It's only like, a fifty/fifty chance though, so don't worry about it, okay?

I'm only saying maybe because I've never been in love before. I'm not sure how it's supposed to feel, when you love someone. I've never had a crush on anyone, regardless of gender, or even ever really had a friend before. There was never any time for that sort of thing- the only person I ever spent any time with was my brother, and I loved him, but not "like that", if you know what I mean. Anyone else was either a target or an enemy, and as you know, they don't tend to make good objects of affection. So, technically, you're the first person I've ever actually "hung out" with.

I think it's safe to say that you're my best friend- but that's just because, other than my brother (who's dead, by the way, in case you care), you're my _only_ friend. Like I said, socializing with people my age was never very high on my list of priorities, and when it was, it tended to get messy. Still, it's kind of sad, isn't it? I mean, _you_ being the only friend I've ever had? I've really got to raise my standards, huh?

Anyway, back to the subject of me kind of- sort of- maybe being in love with you.

I'm not really sure _when_ I started falling for you, if there even was a specific moment it happened. Not positive about how, either, or why. I guess it just sort of crept up on me, and next thing I knew, there it was.

Since I'm being completely honest here, you should know that you are not an easy person to like: on a scale of one to ten, your likability hovers between three and four- four on a good day, three on a normal one. Let's face it Sasuke, you're not a very nice guy. I'm no model citizen myself, obviously- never claimed to be -but you ain't exactly a gem. You're rude, you're cold, you are virtually emotionless, and you really aren't much of a conversationalist. Oh, and you're the biggest hypocrite I've ever met- tell me not to kill anyone and then turn around and go on your own murderous rampage.

You want to know why I talk so goddamn much when I'm around you? It's because I can't stand the silence. It's oppressing, suffocating, terrifying. On a brighter note, though, it's nice having someone who'll listen to me. I'm not quite sure if you actually listen to me when I'm rambling, but hey, at least you don't tell me to shut up, or punch me in the face like Karin does.

Maybe this whole me liking you thing has something to do with you freeing me. I'm not exactly the grateful type, but no one ever said I wasn't loyal. It's a little cliche when you look at it like this, but in a way, you saved me. You got me out of that Hell... And straight into this one. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, right? Heh. You know what, though? The flames aren't that bad, once you learn to take the heat. In fact, sometimes, it can be rather nice. Especially when you look at the alternative.

I know you probably don't care, but my life before all of this wasn't exactly paradise. Floating in a giant fish bowl, getting used as a human-lab rat, having poison and other gunk pumped into me to see how much I could take before I keeled over... It was a pretty suckish existence. Miserable, really, and when you get right down to it, it's actually kind of... Well, scary. It's the kind of thing that makes you wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, clutching the hilt of your sword, ready to slice and dice any one of those bastards that want to drag you back. I can't help thinking back to it sometimes, during the silences that I hate so much. I think about what it would be like, if I was still stuck there: rotting, waiting and wishing for death to take me, because fighting has done nothing so far and at this point giving up just seems so much easier (but they would never let me die because then they'd lose their precious lab rat and oh what a shame that would be).

My mind goes to dark places if it's not kept entertained.

I used to watch you, every time you walked by. There's not much to do when you live in a tank, and one can only talk to oneself for so long before they start to go insane. So, I watched you instead. You came in and out a lot, doing things for Orochi. You never paid me much attention- we only spoke a few times, and I'll admit, I wasn't all that pleasant when we did. What can I say, I was jealous. The only people who ever talked to me were the ones experimenting on me- Karin, Kabuto (you know, thanks to them, I have an instinctive distrust of people with glasses), etc -and I wasn't shy about expressing my feelings to them. None of Orochi's grunts had ever done anything good for me, especially not those closest to him. I was living, if you want to call it that, on a diet of sustenance pellets, and I spent most of each day running through painful tests or being poked and probed For Science. I wasn't really in the mood to get chummy with anyone; particularly not with Orochi's number one lap dog.

Now that I think about it, I'm really not sure what possessed me to even _like_ you, much less consider the possibility of _loving_ you. You worked side by side with the man who kidnapped me off the streets and imprisoned me, recruited the girl who performed horrid experiments on me, and only came to set me free when it was convenient to your agenda. As far as Prince Charmings go, you'd probably get a D. Minus. And that's just because I'm feeling generous.

Still, you knocked off Orochi and set me free. Like I said, you saved me. There were a lot of catches, yeah, but you were my key to freedom: my one way out. If helping you was what I needed to do to complete my goal, so be it- I was in, regardless of how many strings were attached.

That doesn't explain it all though, does it? It covers the basics of why I left with you, but it still doesn't explain why I'm still here. Because if all I wanted were the swords, why didn't I just kill you when I had the chance, off you right at the start? Why not just ditch you after obtaining Zabuza-sempai's sword? I doubt you'd have sent anyone after me. Hunting me down to kill me wouldn't have done anything for you, it would only have been a waste of your time. Maybe sticking with you would help me get the swords faster, but how long would that last? You've got you own mission, after all, and it obviously outranks mine (you know, as far as you're concerned). Why bother tagging along with you- and why, if all I really cared about was my goal, would I put my life on the line for you and yours?

Yeah. That's right, you remember. When we fought Eight-Tails? You got your ass handed to you on a silver platter, and all we could do was skitter around and try to protect you. Some leader.

That bull-thing charged us though, and when it did... I don't know what came over me. All I could think of was Eight-Tails slamming down and slaughtering us. Slaughtering you, bloodied and powerless and vulnerable as you were. And for some reason, that thought didn't sit with me so well. Not at all.

So, you know, I just sort of threw myself up there, tried to get between it and the shore- it and all of you. And as I sat up there and watched it coming right at me, for a moment, I regretted it. There was no way in Hell I could take that thing down. I didn't stand a chance. That wasn't really the point of it though, because I didn't intend to kill it. I just wanted to slow it down, let you guys regroup or heal or hightail it, just to give you some time.

All I could think was how stupid I was being: sitting up here playing target, being bait, literally _throwing_ my life away. I was sacrificing myself, for you guys, you weirdos fate had happened to slap me with. I

I almost pulled back. I nearly changed my mind, sank down into the water and hid. And then you said my name.

You've said my name plenty of times before, but that was the first time you'd ever said it like that. Like you were worried about me. Like you cared.

Nobody's cared about me in a long time.

And so instead of chickening out or dodging, or committing any act of self-preservation whatsoever, I buckled down and braced myself. I took it head-on.

It hurt. It hurt like hell- but I'd lived through Hell already, so in a way it was almost nothing. Honestly I don't remember much after that, after being beaten unconscious and falling into the water, slipping into darkness, so sure that I was finally going to die... Thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, because at least I'd died doing something good for a change, died selflessly and honorably, for something that had mattered to me. For something that I'd cared about.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in a glass tank full of water. For those first few blurry moments I had to fight off a series of panic attacks- believing I was back at Orochi's, that someone had found my body and dragged it back there; I had died and Hell was actually just a fish bowl; thinking for a minute that maybe none of this had really happened, maybe it was all just some crazy, drug-induced dream, and these people that I apparently cared about enough to die for, I had never truly met...

But my vision cleared a few minutes later and I saw you all there, and even though Karin and I started bitching at each other ten seconds later, I can't remember ever having felt so relieved in my life. I complained about my sword, like it was the most important matter at the moment, but the truth was I was just happy that you were all okay. You were all alive. _You_ were alive. Even though I was whining about my sword, that was what really mattered.

I guess my point in all that is that, if all I cared about was finding the swords, then I probably wouldn't be willing to risk my life for you. Being dead doesn't exactly help one attain their goals. In fact, it tends to hinder the process. That being said, why would I put myself out there like that, risk my own neck just to save yours? I'm not really sure- unless you want to go with the "I Love You" theory, but even I don't think that's the case here. Any time before that, I would have left you for dead. It's nothing personal, it's just who I am- the only person I'd ever considered dying for was Mangetsu, but obviously, that didn't work out. This time though, I threw myself between you and certain death- well, maybe not _certain_, but I'll tell you, while I was sitting up there waiting to get creamed it sure as hell _felt_ certain.

I had thought that I was going to die. I was certain I was screwed. And when I'd thought it was all over, when I'd believed I was as good as dead... I'd been okay with it. I'd just accepted it, because it had been for someone who cared about me, even if it was only a little bit.

And maybe that's what love is? Doing stupid things for people, things that don't benefit your own agenda? Like I said before, I wouldn't know. If that _is_ the case though, then I guess I am in love with you, because damn, I do a _lot_ of stupid things like that.

Teasing Karin and keeping her away from you doesn't help me get any closer to collecting all seven sword. In fact, there really isn't a reason to harass Karin- aside from the fact that she's the single most obnoxious human being I've ever met (if she can even be considered a "human" being). Her getting close to you won't keep me from my goal. It wouldn't slow down our mission, not really.

I used to think that maybe, it was just her- that seeing her brought up old memories, _bad_ memories, of the days when she used to test on me in that godforsaken fish bowl. Teasing her, making her mad, that was entertaining for me. It was my little way of getting back at her, making her feel as powerless as I did.

So how come the only time I've ever really wanted to cut her in two is when she's with you? I remember telling Jugo just that- how whenever you were alone with her, it just made me want to cut you two apart.

Seeing the two of you together, her face as red as her hair as she clings to you, makes my blood boil. The thought of you and her, alone, her disgusting hands creeping all over your body as she tries to slip your shirt off and jam her tongue down your throat... It makes my skin crawl. It feels like there's a fire in my stomach. I can't stand it.

Can't you see what she's trying to do? That hellcat has been trying to seduce you since day one. She wants to snatch you up in her clutches and have her way with you. Can't you tell by the way she fawns over you, that look she gets on her face that makes her look like a dog in heat? She clings to you and flirts with you and tries to worm her way into your icy little hole of a heart. Yet you don't even bat an eye at her.

If you would just tell her- tell her how obnoxious she is, how pathetic and clingy, then maybe she'd stop. She would leave you alone, stop harassing you. Sure, she'd get all sad and pouty, but she'd get over it. She'd stop stalking you and stealing your things (which, I bet, she's collected and compiled into a voodoo shrine, which she will use to steal your soul and make you love her. Maybe.), and she'll leave you the fuck alone.

You want that, right? You're just as irritated with her as I am. She's only here because you need her help, you need her abilities, not because you _want_ her to be. Right?

Maybe it's because you just don't _care_, because you don't seem to give a damn about anything, other than revenge. But that could mean more than one thing. Maybe you don't care because you just don't care about her, so whatever she does doesn't matter to you. Or maybe you don't care because maybe, you don't mind the flirting and the attention and the dog-in-heat face. Because maybe you actually enjoy being with that bitch.

If I really only cared about the swords and my goal, then that stuff wouldn't bother me, right? If I didn't care about you, then my insides wouldn't burn every time the thought of you and Karin entered my mind. I would be as stoic and apathetic about it as you are about everything. Except I'm not.

And it's all because I care about _you_. No matter how long I draw this out, how hard I try to avoid it, that is the underlying truth: I care about you, Uchiha Sasuke, in all of your bastardly glory. Because you pulled me up from Hell and became the light in my darkest hour, you were my one way ticket to freedom and obtaining my dream. You needed me and you wanted me. For five seconds it seemed like you actually gave a shit about me, not as an asset or as a weapon but as Suigetsu, as a _person_- and in those five seconds I remembered what it felt like to have a family, to love and be loved, and to be willing to give up everything you had and wanted for someone else's sake. In those five seconds I was ready to die, ready to throw myself on the fire for you- for Jugo and for Karin, but above all else, for you. Because for the first time in such a very, very long time... Someone actually cared about me. And that someone just happened to be you.

So here it all is. Every reason I have not to love you, and every reason why I do. Because let's face it- even if I'm not _in_ love with you, there is no way around how important you have become to me, how big a place you take up in my life. You're my friend, you are my family, and even if I never tell you in that many words... That is the truth.

X

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**Sasuke/Suigetsu is my favorite pairing in Naruto :P Except it's really hard for me to ship it from both sides. So I just sort of hang onto onesided SuiSasu, with Suigetsu having his awkward feels toward Sasuke. Because he was a serial killer/assassin who probably didn't have much time for healthy human relationships, and probably knows nothing about the feelings of romance nor friendship. Thus, this pairing gives me the chance to try and explore Suigetsu's inner mechanisms...**

**And I actually like Karin (sort of? I don't dislike her, at least), and SuiKa, so Sui's distaste was not me trying to bash her or the pairing, okay? ;3**

**Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this. I apologize if Suigetsu seems OOC. **


End file.
